normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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