Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
