It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
