As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
