I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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