I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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