I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
