I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
