Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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