i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
