you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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