he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
