I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
