i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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