I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
