I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
then he tried to convert me to islam
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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