i think my tv is drunk
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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