you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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