the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
