Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
