I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
