Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
