Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hippo gnu deer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
