Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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