i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
