Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We are all done wearing pants today
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
