My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
