the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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