now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
