What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
