Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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