I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
