She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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