On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
