Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
