pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
