Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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