I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
