I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
