every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
