just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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