Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
