I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
