I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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