If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need help removing her.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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