life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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