the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
