I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
