I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
