It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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