Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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