No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
