I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's never too late to be topless.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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