What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
