Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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