i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
