The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
