Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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