it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
