I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize