My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
