He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
