i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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