there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
