I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
