her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There's a naked man in my car right now.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
