I hate your face
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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