ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
